Having an Eating Disorder.

And every time I feel hunger pangs,
It’s like a feeling of empowerment.
Like I finally have control over something in my life.
Like my body is the one thing I can keep from falling apart.

Eating makes me upset,
And when I do I feel horrible about myself.
I feel like I have no self control.
So I punish myself.

After circling the toilet,
I stand up and look in my bathroom mirror.
My face is pale and I don’t look like myself,
Things are a bit multi colored because I’m quite dizzy,
But that’s okay.

I’m so used to being sick,
I’m so used to being confused.
Being healthy makes me sick.
But that’s okay.

It’s okay because I’m becoming skinny and in control.
It’s okay because it sucks to be the fat friend.
It’s okay because people will envy me.
It’s okay because I will be beautiful.

The truth is that I’m scared of losing completely everything.
The truth is that I feel that I don’t belong.
The truth is that I want to be please about myself for the first time since childhood.
The truth is I have an eating disorder.

(Source: secondstartothewrite)